00:00
-:-
--:-- / --:--
Newgrounds Background Image Theme

xSaicho just joined the crew!

We need you on the team, too.

Support Newgrounds and get tons of perks for just $2.99!

Create a Free Account and then..

Become a Supporter!

Poems x2

1,784 Views | 17 Replies
New Topic Respond to this Topic

Poems x2 Jun 14, 2010


With the Birds and Mighty Dragons

I used to be very lonely,
and always afraid of the dark.
I used to have bad night terrors,
of frightful monsters lurking near.
Their breath held the stench of my fear.
As a child, I always fed them,
while cowering under the sheets.
That is when I learned to escape.

At night, while lying in my bed,
I would lift off, crash through ceiling,
after ceiling, after ceiling,
through to the top of the building,
until I was held high above
by stray gusts; watched by blinking stars.
I would find solace in the breeze,
so high no creature could reach me
but the birds and mighty dragons.

The din from the streets below would
sing their ghetto lullaby, and
the moon would gently tuck me in.
And then, as I drift off to sleep,
the bed would slowly descend; down
through the top of the building, down
through ceiling after ceiling, and
finally back into my room.

The fear of night ignored... for now.

In A Cage, With A Lion

It's like being trapped in a cage, with a lion.
It's like your heart will stop at any moment.
It's like your lungs will refuse any more air.
It's like your mind is losing track of itself.
It's like your body is trying to shut down.
It's like you want to run, but your legs won't move.
And there is no cage, and there is no lion.

There's only you.

Response to Poems x2 Nov 23, 2010


I've been watching Farscape, and it's tearing my heart out knowing the end of it quickly approaches. I'm so engulfed in its microcasm, it's difficult grasping that fact. But while it'll suck, there's always the next story to jump into, or the expanded universe. Despite that, the feeling still remains, and so I wanted to try to express it. That feeling you get where an invented world yanks you out of the real world, and suddenly nothing compares to what that new world offered. It's the feeling you get when you happen upon great fiction.

To Worlds Unknown

You pull me in, to worlds unknown;
from here, a place of shades all grey.
You pull me in, with stories told;
from here, a place where life's mundane.
You pull me in, to danger's course;
from the plain; a plot with no play.
You pull me in, with little force;
from the strength of fantasy's sway.

But never there, I'm always here;
in my mind you're always near.
The bittersweet return to home;
in my mind the longing sown.

Response to Poems x2 Nov 26, 2010


The imagery in the first is grand.


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

BBS Signature

Response to Poems x2 Nov 28, 2010


So... what?

Good poems (i liked the third one the best). Good narrative, language, imagery etc.

So, what?


Giving out writing reviews to anyone who wants them (exception: poems. I'll find you).

BBS Signature

Response to Poems x2 Nov 29, 2010


At 11/28/10 03:12 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote: So... what?

What?

Good poems (i liked the third one the best). Good narrative, language, imagery etc.

Thanks.

So, what?

Chicken butt?

Response to Poems x2 Feb 7, 2011


THEY'RE COMING
They want my brain, they'll take me away.
They'll fly me off, to places strange.
I'll be confused, trying to assimilate.
I'll take a poop, where they wash their plates.

It's alien, this world of theirs.
Why bring me here, so unprepared.
I feel afraid, I feel depressed.
Who knows the rest? It's chicken breast.

Their eyes bug out when I sing a song.
Their hackles rise when I dance along.
I'm so alone, in a strange new world.
Where's the adventure, unto which I'd be hurled.

It's nothing like, Earthly sci-fis.
I'm scared and shivering, with shifty eyes.
Where can I go? What can I do?
I must get home, and get home soon.

They want my brain, and they can have it.
Just let me see Earth, before they smash it.

Me.
I say words that rarely reflect reality,
casting doubt- doubt on my sanity.
I grope for comfort, grope for sense,
when life thrashes at my defense.

I struggle with the mass' opiate;
religion's rhetoric and hoping it
will lift my fear of death and failure;
relying on unspoken words called prayer.

I suffer an incurable illness:
the imagination of an idealist.
An outlook wholly romanticized,
in a world I've fantasized.

I seek the truth of what I am,
what will I be, how will I end?
I sit and watch as life slides by,
hiding behind a blinded eye.

I start and stop the things I do,
and scratch my head as if confused,
but pass it off as all for fun,
as if "life" has as of yet begun.

I sometimes burn through passion quick;
it eats through me like I'm a wick.
Until I'm sad, alone, adrift;
my spirit leaking by the drip.

I see the issues, I see the pattern;
but never bother addressing what matters.
I make up reasons and excuses,
whatever just to get me through this.

I swallow my faults instead of owning them.
I search in vain for where they stem from.
An egotist, a lazy bastard,
Unreliable too; all faults I've mastered.

But life is a journey I've just begun,
my path still blinded by the rising sun.
Each step a seed of doubt and fear,
each step more effort, more sweat, more tears.
Each step lacking promise the work is worth it,
each step confirmation I'll never be perfect.

Response to Poems x2 Feb 8, 2011


At 2/8/11 12:25 AM, Stereocrisis wrote: Why?

I'm glad my poetry inspires such puerile discourse.

Chicken thigh...

Response to Poems x2 Feb 13, 2011


At 2/8/11 10:10 PM, Deathcon7 wrote:
At 2/8/11 12:25 AM, Stereocrisis wrote: Why?
I'm glad my poetry inspires such puerile discourse.

Chicken thigh...

Well that was condescending.

Response to Poems x2 Feb 13, 2011


At 2/13/11 11:22 PM, ChainsawNinjaZX wrote:
At 2/8/11 10:10 PM, Deathcon7 wrote:
At 2/8/11 12:25 AM, Stereocrisis wrote: Why?
I'm glad my poetry inspires such puerile discourse.

Chicken thigh...
Well that was condescending.

I'm glad you think so. I'm also glad you thought something in this whole thread worth note. I was beginning to fear this thread a waste of space.

Response to Poems x2 Apr 22, 2011


I must say that I quite njoy your writing, and that I'm a bit of a beginning writer myself. If you have any good tips or want to read some of my stuff, go ahead and PM me. Also, i found the fourth poem to be fairly surreal, yet surprisingly able to draw you in. Good work. I also think I might be the only person to think this.


"If you make a man a fire, he's warm for a day. But if you catch a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett

www.oryuswriting.net

BBS Signature

Response to Poems x2 Apr 25, 2011


I haven't gotten beyond reading the first post, but so far, the two are amazing in their own ways. The first is overflowing with imagery, perfectly registered the picture in my tired mind. The second is not as long, not as beautiful but there's that last line that really leaves that impression.

I don't know why you decided to share these poems with us but thanks, I really enjoy reading well written poems and stories. I'll definitely get to reading the rest after a good night's sleep. Actually, I'm just going to read the first one over a few times. I wouldn't mind having a lovely dream of floating with the moon, watching the stars and feeling the breeze. :)

Response to Poems x2 Apr 27, 2011


You need to get serious with yourself about syllable count.

You got better with yourself with it as you posted more material in the thread, but your word economy is still really bad.

There's lots of "and"s and "the"s and other words that just kind of take up space without adding to the story or the rhyme scheme but are only used to fill out the syllable count in format.

I seriously suggest you try block busting with bigger words that have more under and overtones and then breaking up the syllables inside the big words and making short word phrases with similar sounds in the rhyming line.

Also, try some internal rhyme scheme. You'll be amazed at how much denser and efficient it will make your writing.


This is a song about death. It's on mandolin.

Hate is the first step to all solutions.

You will not end bigotry until you learn to hate it.

BBS Signature

Response to Poems x2 Apr 28, 2011


At 4/22/11 10:46 PM, Terlon wrote: I must say that I quite njoy your writing, and that I'm a bit of a beginning writer myself. If you have any good tips or want to read some of my stuff, go ahead and PM me. Also, i found the fourth poem to be fairly surreal, yet surprisingly able to draw you in. Good work. I also think I might be the only person to think this.

All it takes to write, is a willingness to learn and apply that learning. The poems I wrote aren't, by any means, particularly good. They're expressive, but technically lacking. If you really do want to write, I challenge you to learn prosody and do better. While unintended, these poems could really serve as stepping stones to improving your own poetry and writing. Good luck!

At 4/25/11 03:55 AM, Ice-Crane wrote: I haven't gotten beyond reading the first post, but so far, the two are amazing in their own ways. The first is overflowing with imagery, perfectly registered the picture in my tired mind. The second is not as long, not as beautiful but there's that last line that really leaves that impression.

The second poem strongly hinges on the established anaphora. The effect is such that at the end, when I break the repetition, the line is given that much more strength. The fact that the line is also it's own stanza, form following function, lends a subtle credence as well. I'm actually more proud of the latter than the former, although I'm happy you enjoyed both.

I don't know why you decided to share these poems with us but thanks, I really enjoy reading well written poems and stories. I'll definitely get to reading the rest after a good night's sleep. Actually, I'm just going to read the first one over a few times. I wouldn't mind having a lovely dream of floating with the moon, watching the stars and feeling the breeze. :)

Thank you. I can take unabashed appreciate all day and never tire of it. Some call it ego; I ignore those people :P

At 4/27/11 11:13 AM, FUNKbrs wrote: You need to get serious with yourself about syllable count.

Yes I do.

You got better with yourself with it as you posted more material in the thread, but your word economy is still really bad.

There's lots of "and"s and "the"s and other words that just kind of take up space without adding to the story or the rhyme scheme but are only used to fill out the syllable count in format.

Very true point.

I seriously suggest you try block busting with bigger words that have more under and overtones and then breaking up the syllables inside the big words and making short word phrases with similar sounds in the rhyming line.

Also, try some internal rhyme scheme. You'll be amazed at how much denser and efficient it will make your writing.

I appreciate your thoughtful and accurate critique. These are all things that, in my current poetry, I'm taking into deeper consideration. As far as internal rhyme schemes, I find myself enjoying more the challenge of word play and slant rhyme versus end-stopped straight rhymes. Syllable count is definitely a concern I can agree with, and I must admit, one of my weaknesses. Unfortunately it shows.

In the end, I'm still playing with the prosodic elements I've learned thus far, but I look forward to a poem I can post and have you enjoy. Thanks again for the critique. I'll keep an eye out for something of yours.

Response to Poems x2 Apr 29, 2011


Hey, I love the second one too. I just prefer a lot of imagery :)

I'm glad you put that little intro there before the third one. Otherwise, I'd probably be left wondering what I'm reading. As for the poem itself, what a great way to capture what fictional stories can offer!

The one with the aliens made me chuckle despite the serious tone. I couldn't help but imagine those generic aliens reacting to our human behavior. One thing though, I can't imagine bringing myself to sing or dance if I were ever to be captured by a foreign species. For me, that took away from the seriousness a bit.

The last one was...interesting. In the first three stanzas, the things described in the poem sounds like it could apply to a number of people, but it narrowed down in the end. Good word play on this one.

At 4/28/11 06:22 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: Some call it ego; I ignore those people :P

Haha! Good for you :p

Response to Poems x2 Jun 8, 2011


I was trying my hand at poetry again. I've been thinking about narrative, and how it can be integrated into poetry. I wanted to experiment a bit with symbolism, test its boundaries. What I wrote is a story about a man who dies in battle and a woman who vows to avenge him. It's not supposed to be unique, so I'm not looking for content critique. I just want to know if it works. Can you see the premise in the poem? Is it too obscure?

The sun shines
in his eyes.

The blade gleams;
sharp and mean.

The whir;
the cut;
the end.

The sun shines
in her eyes.

Her tears gleam;
sharp and mean.

Her loss;
her pain;
her vow.

The moon glows
like a rose.

Her sweat gleams;
sharp and mean.

Her vow;
her vow;
her vow.

The moon glows
like a rose.

The blood gleams;
sharp and mean.

Her vow;
revenge;
the end.

Response to Poems x2 Apr 26, 2012


My requisite existential poetry for the year. Felt tired when I woke up at noon today. Still feel tired, after a few days of waking up past noon. Thought I'd blame it on someone.

IâEUTMm tired of you; itâEUTMs been way too long.
Any sense of progress is a distant bygone.
The sun rises and falls beneath your notice.
And your poetry sucks and lacks any focus.

Twenty-five years IâEUTMve given to you,
but all you have done is sit and stew.
YouâEUTMre filthy, youâEUTMre ragged; your spirit is bruised;
only three of the reasons IâEUTMm tired of you.

Why do you hang on like plaque on a tooth?
Why do you, why do you, are you so uncouth?
IâEUTMm tired of you; itâEUTMs been way too long.
On how much I hate you, IâEUTMm sure thereâEUTMs a song.

That last rhyme was crap, but IâEUTMm sure thereâEUTMll be more.
My lyrical prowess is pretty damn poor.
I blame it on him, that man in the mirror!
My life at this point couldnâEUTMt be any clearer.

ItâEUTMs him, itâEUTMs him; I swear itâEUTMs him.
The man in the mirror: IâEUTMm a slave to his whim.

Response to Poems x2 Apr 26, 2012


Damn, I forgot that happens. Here's a clean copy:

IâEUTMm tired of you; itâEUTMs been way too long.
Any sense of progress is a distant bygone.
The sun rises and falls beneath your notice.
And your poetry sucks and lacks any focus.

Twenty-five years IâEUTMve given to you,
but all youâEUTMve done is sit and stew.
YouâEUTMre filthy, youâEUTMre ragged; your spirit is bruised;
only three of the reasons IâEUTMm tired of you.

Why do you hang on like plaque on a tooth?
Why do you, why do you, are you so uncouth?
IâEUTMm tired of you; itâEUTMs been way too long.
On how much I hate you, IâEUTMm sure thereâEUTMs a song.

That last rhyme was crap, but IâEUTMm sure thereâEUTMll be more.
My lyrical prowess is pretty damn poor.
I blame it on him, that man in the mirror!
My life at this point couldnâEUTMt be any clearer.

ItâEUTMs him, itâEUTMs him; I swear itâEUTMs him.
The man in the mirror: IâEUTMm a slave to his whim.

Response to Poems x2 Apr 26, 2012


IâEUTMm tired of you; itâEUTMs been way too long.
Any sense of progress is a distant bygone.
The sun rises and falls beneath your notice.
And your poetry sucks and lacks any focus.

Twenty-five years IâEUTMve given to you,
but all youâEUTMve done is sit and stew.
YouâEUTMre filthy, youâEUTMre ragged; your spirit is bruised;
only three of the reasons IâEUTMm tired of you.

Why do you hang on like plaque on a tooth?
Why do you, why do you, are you so uncouth?
IâEUTMm tired of you; itâEUTMs been way too long.
On how much I hate you, IâEUTMm sure thereâEUTMs a song.

That last rhyme was crap, but IâEUTMm sure thereâEUTMll be more.
My lyrical prowess is pretty damn poor.
I blame it on him, that man in the mirror!
My life at this point couldnâEUTMt be any clearer.

ItâEUTMs him, itâEUTMs him; I swear itâEUTMs him.
The man in the mirror: IâEUTMm a slave to his whim.

If this doesn't work, I give up. Cleaned it up to get rid of the odd characters. This was directly in the browser so if it doesn't work I blame it on Tom.